YOUR CAPTAIN JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

o your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
o he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
o you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
o he refers to Klingons as "Critters".
o he refers to Romulans as "Yankees".
o he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
o he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
o he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
o he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
o he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
o he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle, along with his tricorder and his pocket knife.
o he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
o he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
o he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
o he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
o he sets the forward viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
o he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
o he paints the starship John Deere green.
o he stocks catfish in the ship's pool.
o he spends every Tuesday evening in the ship's bowling alley.
o he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
o he refers to the Mubarsa Nebula as a "swamp".
o his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
o the spare seat on the bridge has his cowboy hat in it, and no one, absolutely no one, would dream of sitting on it by accident.
o he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
o his idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
o he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
o his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba.
o he sets the phasers to "Cajun".


Thanks to John Hilgers. This originally appeared in Captain's Log #18. (c) copyright by Amarillo Design Bureau, Inc.