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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Petrick’s Counters to Cole’s “Dating during the Zombie Apocalypse”

Steven Petrick counters "Dating during the Zombie Apocalypse"

1. The dating pool may just be too small. How likely is it that there will be an even number of boys and girls? Let’s not forget that polygamy will not necessarily end with the apocalypse, and the ladies will still tend to cluster around the most powerful male.

2. Sex may be entertaining for the males, and the supplies of condoms in the abandoned quickie marts will be comparatively plentiful, but other forms of birth control are going to be sadly lacking. The ladies may decide that "other forms" of entertainment are less hazardous to their own long term health and survival.

3. While a little romance may be life-affirming, keep in mind that just because the zombie apocalypse has happened, other aspects of humanity will not suddenly end. Jealousy mixed with ready access to implements of destruction and a general “tomorrow we die” viewpoint can encourage eliminating competition.

4. Getting too involved with anyone can result in your not seeing the zombie horde in an attempt to rescue that one, causing you both to be bitten. Even in the apocalypse there must be enlightened self-interest in order to survive and that may require you at times to abandon someone, or even shoot them in the leg first to get away.

5. While you have an equal chance to scavenge, the bigger guys can carry more, or take your stuff from you to impress the girls.

6. Work trucks suffer the same problem as anything else. Be aware that someone may take your work truck from you so they can impress the ladies.

7. Sure, the church is irrelevant, but keep in mind that insanity may cause some to worship the zombies, and use their feminine wiles to position you as a sacrifice to their new faith.

8. You may not have to spend money, but you will have to spend effort. Even in the zombie apocalypse the girls will go more for the good provider and defender than they will for the man barely able to provide for himself. Of course see #3 about “eliminating competition.”

9. Unless the lady you are pursuing is completely submissive, inevitably there will be arguments about which road to take, what store to look into looting, does this pistol make her posterior appear fat. What? You really think that something as minor as the zombie apocalypse is going to take women’s minds off of what really matters?

10. While her parents (and yours by the way) may already be dead, that does not mean that her big brother, current husband (however estranged) or boyfriend won’t be around and not appreciative of your efforts to take advantage. Things will not really change in the zombie apocalypse, but their resolutions may be simpler (see #3 once more).